Why do monks make the best tea?
My experience of more than 80 retreats and why you should consider one.
What does the word retreat mean to you? Maybe it conjures up images of monks chanting heads bowed or some form of Michael Shlur’s epic “A Good Place” where everyone smiles at each other skipping through rainbows and unicorn dust. I only recently realised that I’ve been on a lot of retreats, I’m guessing +80 at this stage and rarely have I seen either of the above. I do, however, remember a 70-year-old monk running into the breakfast room with his MacBook Air evangelising over a youtube clip of a 70s disco song. Or during a chanting meditation, the 80s classic “Careless Whisper” being shuffled played. Or, perhaps, my all-time favourite; on the last day of a men’s retreat chatting to another participant who said “my wife said when she dropped me off — I bet you end up standing in a circle, naked, singing Kumbaya”. She was spot on, bar the chant was actually Om Namah Shivaya.
So I’d like to share with you my experiences, and more importantly why I think retreats are something we should all do to help us manage exhaustion and potential burnout in this busy world. And I’m very aware of my bias here. One of my favourite things to do in the world is chant/dance in a circle in nature (not always naked!) but I know that some people cannot drift too far from the comfort of their 1000-count Egyptian cotton lifestyle so I will give examples of austere and more luxurious offerings.
I’ll tell the tale with my little hippy hat on. However, also, for those of you who know me through my day job, as someone with a background in Organisational Psychology, and a deep interest in human behaviour; so through the lens of both western and eastern philosophies. I also ran three retreats, two of which were on national TV in 2015 and 2016.
Ready? This isn’t your blue or red pill moment, instead, it’s an offer of a slight upgrade in your life. Do you want data? This was my data from a recent retreat….
In 2019 I arrived at one of the weirdest retreats I’d ever been on. Not weird, ”naked sweat lodge chanting” weird, I’m well used to that stuff. Instead, I was greeted by a gentleman wearing a waistcoat (and not a Tibetan lama style), this was a proper suit-like garms, donning a clip-on bow tie and a clipboard. What the feck….? I’m someone who often touches my heart when communicating with another human so I can connect with them, but that clipboard was like kryptonite to me. His first question was “have you been on many retreats”. At the time had been on about 60 so I told him, and he prompted me for more and I gave him a ‘whistle stop tour’.
It went something like this….I went to my first yoga class in 1999 as I had spotted a room at my gym full of attractive girls and no guys. By 2006 having continued my interest in yoga (I did, in the end, realise that it’s not about girls in leggings), a fellow yogi told me about retreats and their benefits;
a) I could get “better” at this yoga lark, and more importantly
b) I’d be on a residential campus with a group of gorgeous women
Nearly twenty years on, and whilst I’m sure there’s still a bit of a) and b) bubbling away inside me, I also see it as;
a) connecting to life (which could be my yoga practice, the divine or just slowing down) and
b) An opportunity to chill with wonderful humans.
In fact, last year at one retreat, my biggest learning was eye gazing with a guy for about 30 minutes. If someone had suggested that at my first retreat, back in 2006, I don’t think I’d have ever gone on another one.
I am privileged to have had the opportunity to attend retreats across Europe and Asia with the majority in two countries I’ve lived in; Ireland and India. My experience of retreats started in the world of yoga and blossomed from there to include breathwork, meditation, mantras (chanting), dancing (ecstatic/sober), tantra (if your mind has gone to baby oil…..think more human connection), plant therapy, cold therapy, just therapy (!), NLP, solo, silent, writing and more. I’ve stayed in Buddhist temples, Hindu ashrams, Catholic monasteries and lots of non-denominational retreats.
Reverting back to the clip-on bowtie and clipboard experience. This was a newly opened retreat centre and like all startups, he was keen to get my feedback on the experience they were offering. Regardless of the ethos, my simplest advice was to enable a sense of community that allows people to be themselves. To be honest, arriving at that retreat and being greeted by Mr clipboard and bow tie felt like a low-budget business conference at an airport hotel. Don’t get me wrong, he was a lovely guy (following orders), but unless you’re Alan Partridge I would be surprised if anyone would have felt relaxed greeted by a clipboard. And while this wasn’t about comfort it did set a first impression.
The origins of the word “Retreat” often refer to battle: seeking refuge and regrouping. As humans, we have never before been faced with so many constant challenges which we too need to seek refuge from. Whilst the majority of mankind has the fortune not to be experiencing territorial wars, we are fighting our own daily war due to the perceived perception to be “always on”. A few years ago only emergency and rescue services were on 24 x 7 and yet now the majority of us see it as a norm. Despite the huge advantages our digital devices offer, 24 x 7 exposure to devices often means our nervous system is constantly reacting and fighting battles, triggering reactions. Now more than ever we, as humans, need to “Retreat”.
This isn’t helped by our culture of performance. Many of us push hard in our daily lives and then wonder why we get sick when on holiday. Leading resilience researcher, Harvard Psychologist Shawn Achor has found that resilience is all about how we rest / recharge, and not, as many believe, how hard we push. However, we don’t all have the luxury of popping off to Burning Man to take LSD for a week and return with a unicorn business idea. Early technology offered the promise of giving us more free time, however, for the majority of us, having any time to relax is a challenge.
I belong to a lovely health club which has a spa facility and there are signs up everywhere saying “no phones in the spa area” and yet people check their email in the sauna and jacuzzi (some even have their notifications on) all the time. So even if we have ‘time’ to relax, there are fewer and fewer places where we can really find solitude.
You may ask “why is this important”
A decade ago, therapy was negatively associated with people who
were struggling with their mental health. However, thankfully today,
this myth has been dispelled with more and more people realising that
therapy is a necessity and a tool that should be used on a regular basis
to thrive through both the good and challenging times. Based on my
personal experience, I would encourage you to include retreats as
part of this therapy.
The need for this article was cemented when I met one of my clients
at the airport. He is the Senior Director of one of the largest
organisations in the world, someone I have great admiration for as a
leader but with my cynical hat on, also someone I would have
thought would run a mile at the word “retreat”. We chatted and as a
true lesson of my judgemental nature, he soon told me he was on his
way to a …….retreat.
Retreats were even the storyline for one of Amazon Prime’s big hits of 2022, Nine Perfect Strangers…..
And some of you might be thinking “my retreat is a glass of pinot, a box of Haagen-Dazs and scrolling through Tiktok”. There is merit in that idea of mind wandering. However, there’s some serious science behind the idea of slowing down and going a bit deeper. I think a key challenge is that “rest” needs a rebrand and here are some reasons why;
a) Less Stress — Nature works in cycles. Animals migrate and
farmers let the land go fallow and yet we assume we are fine with
being “always on”. As humans, we have ultradian rhythms, and
although work often means we have to be on for our working hours,
it’s important to try and work with these rhythms. If we are always on, then we are never off and it’s a sure recipe for exhaustion, burnout, anxiety and stress. It’s also our brain’s greatest hoax. Making
us feel like we are getting more done when multiple studies have
shown that multitasking results in less work getting done and over
time higher stress. We often behave like our brains are computers and yet we rarely reboot.
b) More Eureka Moments — Dr Carl De Marci, a social neuroscientist at Harvard talks about the need for downtime in his book “Rewired.” When we allow the brain to slow down, for example with mindful practices such as drawing, meditation or just doing nothing, our default mode network kicks in. This is where creativity and innovation work best. Archimedes coined the term “Eureka!” upon working out the theory of buoyancy whilst in the bath. However, remember you cannot force ideas. Just like meditation, this ideally should not be about making you a more efficient human, the same is true of retreats. If you go in with the objective of an upgrade then you might be disappointed. Just go with ‘no’ expectations. Our expectations are often part of our fast-paced culture.
c) Helping to form more healthy habits — The idea of slowing
down has received some positive news in the last few decades. Carl
Honore’s excellent book and TED talk, “In praise of slowness” is a
good place to start. The more quiet, reflective time we have, the stronger our pre-frontal cortex is (a filter to impulsive behaviour) and so encourages more healthy habits.
Like meditation, retreats can either be organised (guided) or solo. My favs are below and please note, that although I’ve been on +80 retreats, there are thousands;
- Best for luxury
2. Best authentic yoga experience in the west
3. Best for game-changing
4. Best all round
5. Best for people who like activities and the sun
6. Best close to Dublin (accessible via public transport)
7. Best for architecture
8. Best for community
9. Best authentic yoga/meditation in the east
- Luxury — Cliffs of Moher (Co Clare, Ireland) — I’ve only been here once but you are in for a treat, the accommodation is similar to a spa hotel. If you can try and go when Dearbhla Glynn is teaching 🧘♀️ she’s amazing! https://www.cliffsofmoherretreat.com/
2. Best Authentic yoga experience in the west — Macalla Farm (Co Mayo, Ireland). I have been here five times. Even the ferry across to the Island makes it “feel” more like an escape. Christophe and Ciara’s teaching is hard to beat. https://macallafarm.ie/
3. Best for game-changing — Hoffman Process (worldwide) — This is residential therapy and a big commitment. However, if you are looking to go a bit deeper and have a positive change in your life this is highly recommended. https://hoffmanireland.com/
4. Best all-round — Dzogchen Beara (West Cork, Ireland) — I have attended five organised meditation retreats here and five solo retreats. My personal recommendation is any of the compassion-based retreats. Many people who stay just go for the location as it’s really hard to beat. www.dzogchenbeara.org/
5. Best for people who like activities — Five Elements (and wine!)— Normally, I’m not a fan of drinking alcohol while on
retreat. Alcohol can be drunk anytime in our day-to-day lives and
it is a well-known depressant. However, I do like wine, and once in a
while if I’m on a retreat based in a sunny climate then I’ll indulge. Lots of old yogic scriptures mentioned alcohol so it’s not like
it’s inauthentic, however, it’s important to be aware as to the
reasons why you are drinking ie. if you need to drink on a retreat then maybe it’s not a retreat you need. Five elements is an excellent and
very authentic yoga retreat with lots of sporting activities such as
paddle boarding and hiking.
https://yogaretreatcentercroatia.com/yoga-adventure-retreat-in-rovinj-croatia/
6. Best close to Dublin — Glendalough Sanctuary — A lot of popular retreats can be quite difficult to get to and I think that adds to the sense of disconnecting. However, if I’m ever looking for a quick getaway from Dublin this is my ‘Go-To’. This used to be a Christian retreat and is now non-denominational. Father Michael or Pascal are still there giving mass every morning but it’s typically a meditation or reading and is absolutely lovely.
https://www.glendaloughsanctuary.ie/
7. Best architecture — Glenstal Abbey
https://glenstal.com/abbey/retreats/
One of psychology’s most well-known constructs is ‘Field Theory’. The premise of this theory is that we are products of our environment. As such, the location of a retreat has a huge impact on the experience. Dzogchen Beara, on top of a stunning cliff, is literally one of my favourite parts of the world, and Glenstal Abbey oozes wonderful architecture. The grounds and buildings are just mind-blowing. I’m not religious but I enjoy being about the energy of the disciplined schedule of the monks while also chatting with them. The Gregorian Chanting is incredible and you can drop in and visit just to hear that.
The monk at the top of this article is Father Christopher making his amazing Lapsang Suachan tea. My next retreat will be a solo retreat in one of their Godpods ……
7. Best community — Unicorn Camp
https://www.unicornvillagecamps.co.uk/
OK, OK this isn’t a permanent retreat I have taken a poetic license
but it’s a truly special festival. If you are new to retreats and have
a preference for spa hotels maybe leave this for a few years 😂
9 Best authentic yoga / meditation in the east
Now, this is a difficult question: having stayed in a few ashrams and
temples in both Nepal and India, I wouldn’t recommend any of
them. I did, however, make day trips to the following two and have friends who recommended staying at both;
a) Tushita Meditation Centre, Dharamshala (Northern India) https://tushita.info/
b) Sivananda Ashram, Trivandrum (Southern India) https://sivananda.org.in/neyyardam/covid-guidelines/
I, now regularly do my own personal solo retreats. Here’s how you could try your own DIY retreat;
- Time without your phone: While I’m not a fan of the phrase “digital detox” as it suggests phones are poison and that we’ll manage to get it out of our system it’s useful to consider this when we revert back to field theory. Building on this, the iPhone effect study shows us if a digital device is in our line of sight, even if it is switched off it can negatively impact our IQ and EQ; this would strongly suggest that there’s a huge advantage for “non-tech time”. And yes, while phones are important since 2007 most of us have rewired our brains to have a compulsive relationship with our phones so it’s important that we have, and enforce guardrails for non-phone time too. This is a mini-retreat, even the busiest of people should be able to squeeze in.
- Think of field theory in relation to setting yourself up for a retreat. Hygge (think warm and cosy) and Shabbat ( the Jewish Day of Rest) are good benchmarks for this. A good example of an environment setup for this is https://www.slowcabins.ie/
- Do something that will slow your mind down. For many of us, the idea of quiet / stillness/ meditation makes us run a mile. Use the anchor of a quiet activity to help such as a jigsaw, art, yoga or movement meditation.
- Try ”Noble Silence”. While this might seem extreme and initially I personally thought it ridiculous, I now see it as one of the quickest ways for a ‘Self’ reboot. When I first got into meditation, just like when I started yoga I wanted to do the biggest pose, the most challenging meditation. Lucky for me, my ego has calmed down and I’ve realised the benefits of doing very little. However, back then, my achievement-seeking mind saw a silent retreat as a challenge to be conquered. The best known of these is Vipassana, a structured meditation retreat based on the teachings of Indian guru Goenka. While I won’t go into the detail of these teachings, this one had a valuable lesson for me which rang true in other retreats that followed. However, worth noting that having been on two Vipassana retreats, it does not make my top list. When I was first into meditation, Vipassana offered bragging rights. If you are backpacking in South Asia the idea of doing Vipassana is a rite of passage. I signed up to do it whilst in Katmandu, during the monsoon. Pretty hardcore. However, what actually happened was I got a fever and diarrhoea, and so was refused entry so did it 12 months later in Hereford in a mild UK spring. A lot of people leave Vipassana after a few days, it’s a pretty disciplined schedule with a 4 am start. The “Noble silence” which is part of this practice, means no reading, writing, speaking or eye contact. The first time I did Vipassana I ignored the “no eye contact” the first few days as I thought “surely a smile is a good thing”. And yes it is. Smiling is amazing, however, I then tried full noble silence and it’s incredible how much quieter the mind is. Think about it, unless we’re Thích Nhất Hạnh or the Dalai Lama, everything, mainly people (!) we look at we judge. It’s even a key driver for Zoom fatigue for those who keep the self-view on as part of our brain is judging ourselves. I don’t advise going full-throttle with noble silence the first time but even no amplified sound for a few hours is pretty special. Here’s a video showing Alan Partridge’s thoughts on silence….
So, do monks make the best tea? I don’t think it’s exclusive. My nan made great tea and she was far from a monk but the idea of slowing down on a retreat and putting an intention into it is certainly helpful (plus a good tea dealer).
I’d love to hear about your experiences of retreats or whether you think we need them in the comments below 🙂.
